Camp!

I know this is wayyyy overdue, but i havent had the chance to blog about it. Haha. (:

Well, I was finally a GL for camp! :D
YAYYYY!!!
And camp was really really really awesome.
I had a blast, and God just blew me away.

Okay. Lets start by talking about my group.
Red Eagle 3, Hong Ying San, Hegal (Sudu) Merah Tiggah.
I love my group. And i am so so so proud of them and even prouder to be their GL.
The group started out very shaky.
On the first day, it seemed like the group was really closed in and each individual were just an individual. And i started praying really really really har cos it seemed rather hard to be able to open up the group and get them to bond. So i prayed really hard. I was really scared. :/

But as the days went on, i kept spamming games cos thats the best way i know how to bond people- by having fun. So i kept spamming group games and i tried to keep talking to each group member so i could know more about them, and most importantly to find an area to speak into their lives about.

And God was good.
The quietest person of the group opened up to me sharing that she hasnt been to church for a year. So i encouraged her to open her heart to Jesus and receive him anew this camp. Another girl told me straight in the face on day one that she hated camps. Dear God. But in the end, i beleived she enjoyed herself cos she really warmed up to the group and was very chatty. So thank God. They were the girls i was most worried abt. But by the grace of God, they were transformed.

My group is a group of people with different personalities.
But its amazing how we all ended up bonding together as a group.
Hannah- The loud leader
Jared- The VERY loud one.
Sis Yanni- The open one
Nigel- The old one. :P
Nicholas- The joke. :D
Janice- The joker wannabi.
Pearl- The out of the world.
Simon- The out of his mind.
Zeke- The baby! ^_^
Andrea- The queit one
Hannah- The secretly loud one. ;)

So yuou see. We have very different personalities. But how we ended up so bonded a group, i have no idea. :/

So anyway.
On the last day, i got everyone to write nice stuff about each other.
And i spent the night before writing loooooong kletters for each and everyone of my memebers cause i wanted to speak into their lives one last time. And i was very very encouraged by what they wrote for me. It touched my heart so much i wanted to cry. :)

The ones that touched me the most was from Andrea and Nigel.
I was very encouraged by ANdrea's because she was one of the ones that seemed impossible to crack at the beginning. She was one of those i prayed the hardest for. And if it were the old Hannah, I'd probably not care about her because she was so quiet. But after the hard season this year and after the maturing in my mind and spirit, i wanted to make a difference in every single one of their lives. So i tried to speak into her life as much as i could. I prayed for her at the altars too. And this is what she wrote to me:

Thanks for being such a nice Gl, So encouraging."

Just that short line melted my heart. I was so encouraged. I thanked God for using me.

Though the encouragement was short, it was the most encouraging cause it was proof that i had made an impact in her life. I had moved from where i was from not accepting people, to a place of loving unconditionally. ALthough i may not have understood her completely, the fact that she could say i was encouraging meant alot to me. It was a sign that i had grown in the area of loving people. And yes, i loved every single one of my group members. (: God i feel like a mum. T_T

The second person that really encouraged me was nigel, the AF guy in my group. He thanked me for leading the cell, and he said that i had spoken into his life. And i really thank GOd for that. I feel that that was so amazing cause it showed how much i had grown spiritually. I had grown so much that the words i say can encourage a guy older than me. It was just encouraging.

Through the camp, i could tell that my group had heartfelt respect for me. They never questioned my leadership, they trusted in everything i said. They never talked back but they obeyed my cammands whenever i asked them to do something. To me, that was enough. It showed me i had done my job as a GL. My group trusted me. And to me, that was enough. I was more than satisfied with my work as a GL. (:

Moving on to the GOD experience.

This camp was the most God orientated camp ive ever been to. A day of games was cancelled just so we could have time to rest, so that we could pay attention during the night services. And to me, though i was disappointed in not being able to spend more time with my cell, i feel it was a very good call because we all needed the rest. ANd in the endd, God moved like never before.

I think this is the first camp that God truely exceeded my expectations for him.

I asked for a new experience - He gave me one.

He showed me how it was like to touch his presence. It was like a Pandora's box. You open it, you cant bear whats inside. same thing. When i stepped into his presence, deeper than before, i started shaking. I couldnt bear it. God was just too Holy for me to bear it. I kept jumping in and out of it like it was a Hot Spring. What an experience!

It was also the first time that i realised how desperate i was for God. On the first day, durinbg the night service, it seemed like I had been desiring and waiting and praying and seeking something of God, for God's presence, that when it came, it came as a gush of wind. More like a Tsunami. Its indescribable, really. It was just magnificant. God is jsut amazing.

So anyway, God really spoke to me about alot of things during camp.

God really dealt with my hurts from the failures and the fear of furture failures.

God showed me how much i had grown this year in the mind and in the spirit. It had been such a great gfeat season of growth i am stunned by the extent of growth. I think its the biggest extent of growth i have ever experienced. Then again, it was the hardest trial i have been through yet. ANd i thank God for it, because i hung on, and God gave me so much more in return. Truely.

There are so many other things i want to tell.

But most of it is rather personal. Haha.

So its all in a nutshell. (:

Camp was great because God was great.

Never have i been left in such awe and love and wonder for him as i did after this camp.

And his presence still resonates in my heart.

I love Jesus. (:

Merry Christmas!

Today i had one of the best christmases in my life. (:

Firstly, i received many many nice presents very unexpectedly.
I had innitially wanted to give out my cards and gifts and throw the plastic bag away. But instead, i needed the bag because i received so many gifts! :) And im really touched cos i honestly didnt expect to receive even anything. But i did.

But the thing that touched me the most wasnt the gifts, but rather the reason i got the gifts. Many of the gifts were given out of appreciation of my presence in my friends lives and it really touched me to know how many people ive impacted through the year. I felt so encouraged to see how God has used me to impact and bless the people around me this year. And to me, that was the best christmas present.

So thanks friends, for appreciating me. Because that made my christmas more special than anything. And thank you for letting me appreciate you. THis christmas had truely been one of the most touching ones. (: Because i gave and i received greatly. (: THank you Lord.

THe second thing was that my dad performed for christmas service! Im so so so rpoud of him! ^_^ He sang 'We Three Kings' together with PDA and Bro Titus, but i think although all 3 of them did a great job, my dad sang the best. I was so so so proud of him i gave him a standing ovation! (: He sang so well. The voice control and the power that came out. Sheesh! I was so proud of my daddy. I think i got my voice from him. ;) Hahha.

So anyway.
Its been a great christmas.
Thank you Lord for everything.
I love yuou so much.

Happy Birthday Jesus! (:

Trust in God.

I asked for Strength, God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom, God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity, God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage, God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love, God gave me troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors, God gave me Opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted, I received everything I needed!

Trust in God.
Always!

- Written by Fuwei Fong. Ignyte Ministry.
Hahahaha. (:

I found this on facebook and i feel like its just so... appropriate and it makes so much sense.
I hink i'll think about it alot more the next few days. (:

RUAN JING TIAN! :D

Today in Taiwan,
Whilst shopping at Sogo,
In Taipei,
While standing at the escalator waiting for my dad to come down,
i saw an angel.
AHHH!

No i didnt la. HAHAHA.

I SAW RUAN JING TIAN!
You know the Ji Cun Ci from Fated to Love you?
ZOMG! I SAW HIM! :D :D :D

I SAW RUAN JING TIAN LIVE IN TAIWAN!
ZOMG!!!
I was too stunned to react.
I was just in shock!
My goodness!
I couldnt believe i was sooooo lucky as to have seen a taiwan actor and of all of them i saw HIM! ^_^ WOOTS I TELL YOU! WOOTS!

He had shaved his hair short,
was wearing jeans and a white tee,
and sunglasses at the back of his head.
He looks alot skinnier in person.
I think he might have lost somne weight cos his face wasnt so skinny on screen.
AH!
but DAMN HOT SERIOUSLY!
Ahhhhh. BEst day of my life! HAHA

But Thinking back, i should have stalked him down the escalator and asked for an autograph and a picture dammit! But i was too shocked to do anything. Ah DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!
SO WASTED!

I still cant believe i saw him!
WOOTS!!!! ^_^
Best day in TAIWAN EVER! HHAHAHAHHA!

Missing you, love.

Everytime i go to school nowadays, i feel like i miss Chantal more and more.
I really miss her company.
Class is no longer the same without her beside me.
Without her laughing at my jokes, talking to me about anything and everything, sleeping, drawing, listening.
God i miss her so much. :(

Aye.
School is becoming a little more bleak the more i think about it.
I didnt make OGL.
Not sure how i'll handle it when orientation starts.
Studies are gonna pile up.
Not sure how my track career will be.
Chantal and Bo Tin will no longer be there for me.

God i feel so stressed.
And upset over my life that is to come the year ahead.
I feel so messed up.
So lost.
I just wanna break down and cry.

How odd.
Though i feel this way, the words of my own song speaks to my heart.
And is providing that encouragement i need in this season.

I find my hope in you
written by Hannah Lee and Joan Wong
The walls are closing down on me
The waves outsound my symphony
My world is dark and I cant see
I search the world but find no answers

Then one day an angel came
To remind me of

Your grace and mercy
And how your love will direct me
Through the days your song is with me
I find my hope in you
And though my heart breaks
I know you have a plan
I lift my hands in surrender
I find my hope in you

Sometimes i want to run away
So many times i dont understand
Why things would turn out this way
Its not what life's supposed to be

Then one day an angel came
To remind me of

Your grace and mercy
And how your love will direct me
Through the days your song is with me
I find my hope in you
And though my heart breaks
I know you have a plan
I lift my hands in surrender
I find my hope in you

When i reach the end
I will understand all that you've instored for me
My trials are for my victory
And i know Im redeemed BY

Your Grace and mercy
And oh your love will direct me
Through the days your song is with me
I find my hope in you
And though my heart breaks
I know you have the plans
I lift my hands in surrender
I find my hope in you

Today was an interesting spiritual day for me.
Not that i had an interesting spiritual encounter, but rather, many thoughts and challenges that ive come across.

Today, i met sis cheryl.
And we talked.
And as we talked, she said i was her superstar. And that i would blossom wherever she places me. I was really touched when she said that. I was touched because i was thankful for the favour i had found. And i was glad that someone saw and believes in me in this certain way.

As we talked, i thought through many things.

I realised this year has been one of the best years of my life.
Yet ironically, it was one of the hardest.

Ive had the best school spirit and friends i could ask for.
I started making something of myself in my greatest passion.
But i missed many golden opportunities for reasons i do not understand.
And i destroyed friendships i treasured with all my heart.
I nearly walked away from God completely.

Yet, i feel like ive grown stronger than ever.
Ready for the new year ahead.
I now understand what P.Andy meant when he said that the time will come where the youth will step up to the same line as the Adult Leaders.

When God set me to leave sat and go sunday, neither pandy nor me knew why. But after stepping into the sunday cell, i have found out why. God had set me there to lead the cell.

Next year, after the J2s leave, the only Sps left in RR would be Giselle and I. And the Sbs... well, we will have to take more than 1. And as i look at the people left in the cell, i dont forsee an easy time ahead. I forsee next year to be a year that will be heartbreaking, but yet rewading. I see the year as one of great prayer and trust in God because many things will be beyond my control. Yet i must go beyond the norm to reach out and grow my people. I do believe in the potential that they have, but i will need to grow a relationship and trust. And wisdom and strong discernment from the holy spirit as i speak into their lives.

Oh God. Help. Haha.

Well, P.Andy told me Next year would be a very important year for me. and oh. dont i know it.

I feel that God has placed a certain annointing on my life.
And as they saying goes- With great power comes great responsibility.
And i know sis Cheryl will push me to join IH.
Oh Lord help. Haha

But even so, wow.
I just gotta keep close to God, and hold on no matter what. It may be hard, but God, i am holding on to you.

Yesterday, i met joan to write a song for my soma recording.
And after a rather gruelling 4hrs, we wrote a song.
And its beautiful. (:

The title is 'I Find My Hope In You'

And everytime i hear the chorus, i feel encouraged despite my troubles.
This is how it goes:

Your grace and mercy
And How your love will direct me
Through the days your song is with me
I find my hope in you
And though my heart breaks
I know you have the plans
I lift my hands in surrender
I find my hope in you

I think this song might be my greatest encouragement in the year ahead.
Lord, speak to me.
I need to hear your voice.

A Successful Life

Hello everyone.
Who hasnt given up reading. Haha.

Here's the news- I didnt make OGL'10
Yupp.
The ever excited, ever enthusiastic, ever hyper Hannah didnt make OGL.

Wow.

When i couldnt find my name on the list, surprisingly, i didnt feel anything. I didnt feel a great pang of disappointment, i didnt feel upset, i didnt feel happy either. I just looked at the list, sighed, and walked away with my head held high in the air.

I dont know whats with me. Haha.

Have i missed out on too many dreams this year that i have become numb to the disappointment?
Have I been stoned by life so much this one didnt even matter anymore?
Haha. My reaction shocks me.

I thought i'd be so devastated if i missed out on OGL.
But now i just feel... nothing. Nothing at all.

Maybe i kinda expected it?
Come on. who am i kidding.
I was probably the only one who applied despite 3 R papers.
Maybe they hate my guts for even trying. Haha.

So now i wonder. How should i feel?
Shoudl i feel upset they didnt choose me?
Or angry they didnt even give me a chance?
And should i really not perform for the SC anymore?

Hmmmm...

Well, i think the reason i didnt get in was because of my freaking 3 R papers.
Sigh. This is Singapore.
I was talking to Mr Tan yesterday and we talked about alot of rather deep stuff.
one of them was studies.
And i felt very sad as we talked about it because it just saddens me that Singapore is such a community based on Education. And this year i have experienced so much on non-acadamic skills that will take you far and further than your education can. Yet, in the end, all people want to see is that qualification on paper. I feel sad. Very sad. Because sometimes, the most capable people are brushed because of something as superficial as grades.

Well, as i thought about these, i thought of my life.
I thought of the things i have accomplished.
And i say to myself - I have lived a successful life.

My grades are average. Yet i feel like i have accomplishd much in my life. My grades are terrible in school. Yet i feel like the most successful person in the school. Every other area of my life has achieved greatly in one way or another. So because my grades arent good, does that mean i am not succesful?

No, i beg to differ.

The greatest thing that has happened to me, was that God has been with me all these while.
THough my studies have lacked, God has blessed me gretly in my life, and i feel very blessed. The road i have walked has been tough. But yet i say i am blessed because God has been good. God has been amazingly good.

And i feel successful.

Why does this society only see grades?
Why cfant they look beyond that?
Success is not from grades alone.
It comes from deep inside the person as a whole.

My grades are terible.
Yet i feel successful.

I have a God who is amazing.
I have a great family.
I have great friends.
I have an amazing track career most people can only dream of.
I have a rather super human strength for a singaporean athlete.
At the same time, i have a voice that sings into your soul.
I am a leader.
I am passioante about the things i do.

So why look only at my grades?

Even so.
I dont care.
Because i feel successful.
Very succesful. (:

And all these successes are not without their credits.
THe biggest one to God.
Because it was HE that made all these come to pass.

Thank you Lord, for my successful life.
I feel content with what i have achieved.
I feel very blessed.
THank you Lord.

I praise you for your goodness in my life.

You have been good, oh Lord.
You have been good. (:

Only God is God.

Well.
The past weekend has been an amazing one with God.

Well, over the past weekend, ive been busy being involved with Ignyte's Got Talent. (:
It was an amazing event.
Well okay. I sang at it.
But that wasnt what made it awesome.

I sang my rendition of I Could Only Imagine by mercy me.
And im very encouraged by the comments people have made regarding my performance.
Honestly, i dont care if i win or lose, because my main purpose was to serve God, and to minister to the people with this song. And to hear many people feedback to me that they were encouraged by my testimony and they were blessed by that song, its enough for me. I feel like a winner already. And i thank God. (: Haha.

WEll, Just wanna share what my sis's friend told her on msn anyway. (:
I was really encouraged. HAha.

Sis Friend: Ur Sis Rocks
Luv Her
Sis : Dont Continue
She's Beside Me
Sis Friend: -_-
Sis: She asked what else
Sis Friend: I Liked the Dynamics ^^
The other girl didnt have any. And she was straining.
Hmmmm.
The Testimony was realli nice
In not really a church person (As you know)
But damn i almost cried when she sang
The vocal range that the song required wasnt very wide but she sang it
very very nicely
She had the emotion behind it and it sounds very nice
Waaaaaaaah! Ur sis is gud
^^
Ok Finished

Haha. When i read this, i was really encouraged. I was glad that God could use my voice and this song to touch the hearts of people. And iw as content. It was a great encouragement as a girl who isnt that close to God could feel God's presence touch her during that song. Haha. No wonder P.Andy called it an annointed song. It was really an annointed song.

Ive always believed i carried that annointing. And im glad i never let it go, and guarded it with my heart. I guess thats where the feeling and emotions come from. From the annointing that God has placed upon my heart. Because whenever i sing a song that is dedicated to God, for some reason, that song would come alive on its own, and it would hit people like a big wave. Well, all i can say is, i guess thats the manifastation of the annointing God has placed upon me yea? (: Haha,. How awesome.

Anyway.
I guess my performance went well.
And im really really really glad that people could feel that song.
To me, thats enough.
And im really glad to have served in this event.
Because i was given many opportunities (painful and not) to grow.
And i definately have grown.
So yay! (:

Well, God really met me this weekend.
P.Andy's message was rather powerful, i'd say. HAha. Esp his last story about richard and michelle. Man. It sure pulled my heart strings. Haha. (:

But one thing that God really spoke to me about was through the drama and dance special item. God spoke to me everytime i saw the entire production. It was powerful.

WEll to begin with, it was a powerful annointed song. Haha. Really. It was.
Let me show you.
And let God speak to you through this song.

The title of this song is God is God.
It is by Steven Curtis Chapman.

And it really spoke to me. Coupled with the drama's presentation.
It was really timely for me, esp with all that ive been through these few months. (:

The drama started with the song.
And at the beginning, everyone was like nothing.
And then Kenneth walked in as 'God' as gave them all life.
Then he showed them the charcoal and showed them that they were to use it to draw the portion of the picture they were given to draw.
then he sent them off to draw their picture.

The Lord spoke to me that he has given each of us talents. And with our talents we are to use to to serve his Kingdom, to 'paint the part of our picture' he has destined for us to do. And by faith, we need to draw according to the outline he's given, acording to the impressions he's placed upon our hearts to do.

As the thing went on, several people wanted to give up on the drawing as they found it too hard, or they didnt understand what they were drawing. But their fellow people and even God himself went to encourage them to keep drawing their picture.

This spoke to me about how at times i just want to give up on God. And give up on the things he has destined for me to do. Just like in my very life, how i wanted to give up on God, on evangelising, on doing the things that God had placed on my heart to do. And at those times, how God will send people to encourage me not to give up, and even at times, how he himself had encouraged me, and brought me back to drawing that picture he had placed within me to draw.

After that, there was this portion that God would take the picture drawn by Hanyii and replace it with the one by another girl. Although this was actually because Hanyii couldnt draw a symetrical eye with the other girl, i think it was amazing how God made it out to be. Because that very part spoke to me. The moment God took the picture Hanyii painstakingly drew and gave it to someone else to complete, it struuck me real hard.

So many times in my life have i felt like ive put in so much in something, only to have it be taken away from me and given to someone else. And have something else i dont want put into my hand to do. Just like the whole If I Aint Got You Situation. But it was because God had greater plans. He wanted Hanyii to start on the picture, and let it be finished off by another person who could do it more skillfully than she did. And give her something she could do better in return.

This really struck me deep deep. God reminded me that everytime he takes something out of my hands, no matter how precious, it was because he had better things in store, and he knew my capabilities and wanted to make me shine with them instead of striving to do the things i cannot. So decides to switch the roles over. Haha. Just like he did during A bright New World. (: And i blossomed so much more as Nonya Boon. (:

At the end, the people are done with their part of the picture, and are very unsure of what it is. Because it means nothing to them. But then God gathers them, and they follow God, and with his guidance, they put their pieces of art tgt, and form a beautiful picture - The face of Jesus.

It spoke to me greatly, esp with the chorus of the song playing behind it. Combined tgt it hit me real hard. It reminded me that I can only see a part of what God is really doing. And i will not understand what its about. But upon continual trust in God, in time, he will put the pieces together and i will see the big picture and finally understand what his intention was. It was a great reminder that in all things, God is still God. And i am but Man. But Only God is God. And i must trust in him. Because he sees the picture that i do not see.

Its just like what my dad has been speaking to me about. The convergence points in my life. Where all the events that took plce will come together, and i will understand what God is trying to do.

God is truely an amazing God.
And i thank God for all that ive been through.
Cos its opened my eyes to the things he has been doing.
And has strengthened my faith in him like never before.
Thank you Lrd for this great weekend with you.

Only God is God.

God is God and I am Not
I can only see a part
Of the Picture he's painting
God is God and I am Man
So I'll never understand it all
For only God is God

Hello.

Today was an interesting day.

I woke up late and was late for training. Haha.
But training was quite horrid.
My body was really tight from wed's training.
So my training was awful today. :/

So after training, i went to church for the rehearsal for Ignyte's got talent.
And i became the vocal coach of the day.
HAHA!
It was really interesting for me.
I guess most of the things i did came to me rather naturally because it's become a part of me as a performer. A rather experienced one in a sense. Haha.

I started out helping Krystle with her song - If I Aint Got You.
I even let her have my minus one track. haha. :)
I guess i really got over the whole giving song episode.
Well, i kinda came to terms with it.
Each artist has his or her interpretation of the song.
So the song is still mine.
Well. at least the way i did it.

I didnt teach her what i did.
I just helped her according to her style.
I didnt want to give her my ideas.
I wanted her to make her own song. (:
And i really thank God that when i helped her, i helped her geninely, with no hint of envy or anger. But rather with a true heart that wanted to help. (: Haha. YAY! I think im growing. (: So Thank God for that. Haha.

After helping her out, and she sounds really good btw. :P
I helped Dan Yau out with his song.
Lots of pronounciation and voice projection and using the within to sing. (:
Well it paid off cos he sounded ALOT better than when he started.
Hopefully he'll keep it that way. HAha. (:

So anyway.
After them, P.Andy wanted to hear mine. I think he had his doubts and because of the lack of time, he had half the mind to scrap my singing. I honeslty wouldnt have any issues with him taking my portion out cos im here to serve and i already have served in many ways, esp with the position of a youth in such a special event. So to me, i felt like ive already done my part. Besides, i have performed so much outside already, i guess it'll be fine to give others the opportunity this time. (: Haha.

But he asked me to try out the song anyway.
And i did.
The guitar wasnt awesome cos the strings were so slippery.
And to suddenly hear my voice in that area... Haha. Not so used to it already.
So it wasnt SOOO awsome, but the spirit and emotions went through. (:
So thats okay..

Well, after i performed for him, he knew at once he wanted me to sing on both days.
He said this "After watching that performance, i feel you carry a certain annointing in your singing"
ANd i instantly said "I know"
HAHA!

yes, it is suuuper bhb.
But it wasnt becuse i fel proud he said that.
But it was truely from a place of belief and conviction and calling i have received and felt from God for so many years in my life. I have always believed and felt that God had placed a certain annointing upon me and my voice. So im not ashamed of that.

Well, one example would be when i worship lead in FMSS.
After that session, Benedict came up to me and said "Annointed."

So i actually know that i carry that annointing.
And being in WM also cultivated that sensitiveness to that annointing as well.
Which is perhaps why i felt frustrated after awhile getting nowhere in WM.
Its becasue i knew i had something to give.
And not being able to give it to its fullness frustrated me.

Which is also why i find joy in singing outside.
Cos i get the freedom to express myself and reach out and touch the hearts of people with my voice. And that is a great gift i treasure that the almighty has given to me. and i am truely grateful for it. (:

Well, P.Andy told me i will be a 'contestant' this weekend at Ignyte's Got Talent.
Honestly, i was trying NOT to become a contestant cos im afraid it might pull out the competitive side of me that would PERFORM instead of MINISTER.

But right now, with all my heart, i want to pray and set my heart right. Because i know this is a long-awaited opportunity from God to me to serve and minister with my voice. I am truely seeking to minister instead of just singing. I want to spread the love of God with the song im singing. I want to let people experience the intimacy i enjoy through the song i sing. I want God to use this song to touch the hearts of people.

Father,
I pray that you will use me greatly this weekend to touch the hearts of people. Lord, i thank you for the opportunity to serve you in this area. To lift my life as a living sacrifice, just as Romans 12 says. Lord i truely want to serve and worship you. May the song i sing bring music to your ears, and may you use it to reach out to the congregation. Lord i know out of the spirit there will be an outpour andan outflow of annointing this weekend. And i believe you will use this opportunity like never before.
Lord. Use me.

I thank you Lord.

In Jesus name i pray,
Amen.

James 3:4

Okay. Maybe im blogging so much nowadays to make up for the lack of in the year. Hahahaha. (:

Anyway. doing my Tawg now.
And this hit me differently than it could, or usually would.

Well, I decided i should do my tawg now since im planning to watch my lovely movies when i get home later. And by the time they end, it would be so late and i would be so tired i wouldnt be able to spend such quality time with God.

So i went to my online bible and went to 2 Timothy, where i stopped the last time.
And i said to God,
God, what should i read today? What do you want to speak to me about?
And i felt in my heart - James 3:4

Okay.
So i turned to james 3.
It was about the Tongue and how powerful it can be, small as it may be.
So my first thought was: This has no relvance to the emotions i feel right now?

But i read on anyway.

And when i read vs 4,
it just had a different meaning for me.

James 3:4
4Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.

Ships are LARGE.
but they are controlled by SMALL rudders.

I felt the Lord pres on my heart my current situation.
And this was what he impressed upon my heart:

My Life may be facing many strong winds right now.
They may be tossing me left to right violently.
But ultimately, its that small will within that can control how i react, how i feel towards the wind. It will control what my reaction to the wind will be.
It will control my direction i take in spite of the strong wind.

So in this situation, i have a say on what i should do.
Should i crumble under the pressure, or should i look to other things that still holds great hope and purpose for me? Do i dwell on the things that hurt me, or do i learn to let go and let God?

The christian faith isnt one for the faint hearted. This much i know.
But despite the pain, i will press on.
For my God is greater than all.
that i know for sure.


The next verse that hit me were 14 and 16:
14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.
16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

I find the words in these two verse make alot of sense to me.
So many times in my life have i been so selfish and envious of things.
And these things should not be boasted about, nor should they be denied.

Isnt that wisdom?
I always feel like making them known cos i want people to understand me and understand how i really feel. But perhaps that isnt the best option cos it may bring more harm than peace. But yet upon confrontation, they should not be denied. Because if they are confronted upfront, change will come. But if not confronted, they should be kept to yourself. Less you been seen as a selfish person with a small heart.

Aye. Now i know.
And i regret what i did.
That caused me to lose one of my best friends ever.
I really do regret.
And i wish i could do something to save the friendship.
But what can i do?
Aye. :/
Now i know.
Haha.

Lord,
I pray that you will come and bring a change in my heart and in my life.
I dont wanna keep living a life of secret vice, jealousy and pride. It will break me apart, and break the things i care about. God, you have been breaking me on the inside. Break me. Take my pride. And make me whole again. I know you have intended me for more than what i see before my eyes. Help me to trust you. Help me to trust myself. For i know that you have plans to prosper me. But all these have to take place first. I can see myself grow already. But Lord, help me not forget all that ive learnt this season. And as i step into the new season, Lord i know it will be a season of great harvest and plentiful grace. So Lord i thank you.
In Jesus name,
Amen.

SAAA is a bunch of liars.

Bunch of liars.
WTH.

The YOG stuff are out for atheletes. And guess what? THey're capping it to 16 and 17 year olds.

And the official age limit is from 14 to 18 years old.
So that just makes them a bunch of liars aint it?
HOW STUPID OMG!

Why cap and limit your choices? Whats the rationale behind it?
I really dont understand.
They have a wide variety of athletes aged 18, which is actually legal for the games, and they dont wanna let these 18 year olds that are so much better compete.

Saaa is dumb.
Bunch of liars.

this is the reason why Spore wont go far in sports.
Cos when the whole world sends 18 year olds, spore sends 16 and 17. lol.
Big joke.
Great wonder why we're so bad at sports.

HELLO!
HAHA

Ever since PW ended, Life seems a little more aimless to me. Hehe.
Like there isnt anything to really aim for. :/
No work that is urgently due.

Well.
Now im kinda busy thinking about the Sectional Outing Planning Committee cos sis Cheryl made me the Chairperson of it. So i have to be on the ball on this issue. So its the next thing i need to plan and work towards.

But other than that, there isnt really anything else. :/

I feel lazy to start studying for my Rs, but i know i need to start studying if not im just gonna die in Dec or something. And maybe risk my chances of becoming an OGl. :/ So gotta work gotta work gotta work!! AHHH!!!

Training has been increasingly tough for me.
Coach has been paying ALOT more attention on me and my training, and he has been pushing me ALOT more than the rest.

Well, i guess thats a good sign.
He reminded me that we only have 3 months to work towards and improvement. Because Nats is like early April next year? So i really dont have time to improve! AHH! so if i really do wanna do well next year, i gotta really work these few months and not give up no matter how tough it is.

Haha. I told ya Hannah's gonna be BACK IN ACTION!

And she is. ;)
I finally got my fiery determination back.
Well, not to its fullest, but alot more than the period after exams. Haha.
So yea. Im getting back on track and thats a good thing! (:

I recently heeded THong En's advice on going to the library and borrowing a book on throwing. I managed to pick up this book called the Complete Book For throwers, which is really aesome! I am totally learning alot from the book, and trusting more in my coach cos what it says in there corresponds to most of what my coach is making me do.

Also, my body is reacting well to the training. And after talking to him the other day, i regained my trust in his training methods. He told me that as a thrower, i cannot and should not run too much. Because as throwers, we have big and heavy upper bodies, but weaker legs. So we cannot overuse them lest we injure them and cause more trouble for ourselves. he told me we were gonna start more specific trainings to get certain muscles really moving and we were gonna do more right legs, more short sprints, and more explosives stuff. He told me i wasnt strong enough. So we'll hve to work more on that. He told me that he might change my weight plans to more specific ones cos that might be more importnat for me. He told me that he wanted to correct my flip, cos its a little laggy and im still throwing whereas throws should be a flip and a snap action.

I think im totally talking greek to most of you, but i do understand and trust in him alot more now. Aye.

Now Who's that idiot who said throwing was easy?
LOL. (:

Ahhhh. Next week there's still lectures. T_T
And other schools ended school already. lol.
Life is so fun, aint it. haha.
Who ask me to choose VJ.

Well, i still have no regrets. (:


Oh yes.
OGL Interview next week! :D
teamed up with Erica and i think we're gonna be TOTALLY AWESOME! ^_^
Ah well.
Cant wait! ^_^

Remininse

You know,
ever since the whole If I Aint Got you episode with P Andy, Ive been listening to my musicfest song over and over again on Facebook. ANd each time i listen to it, i feel a sense of warmness just seep into my heart.

The memory of standing there on stage.
The adrenalin rush that made my entire body shingle in excitement as i sought to hit every note to perfection, as i sought to bring the aemotions through.

No wonder i won.
It really was an amazing performance.
Even as i sit here at Hans with my Dad's laptop and just listen to that performance, and type this blog out, the emotions and soul in that song that day is just...
Overwhelming.
wow.

No wonder the people felt it.
I honestly, honestly, never knew that that performance was THAT good.

I still remember how it felt to have the audience cheer when i hit the big parts of the song. As my vocals rumbled through the performance theatre.
And how amazingly loud the audience cheered when the song ended.
That feeling.
That moment.
Was probably one of the best in my life.

Up till now the massiveness of applause cant be remembered because it was so loud, so massive, it was unimaginable and crazy. It was like a dream come true. MAN! Wow.

When i was listeninng to it, i forgot it was me.
In fact everytime i listen to it, i cant believe it was me on that stage, singing that way that i did. I never believed i was THAT good.
And until now, i sitll dont believe it.

But i guess thats a good thing. (:
So i can keep trying new stuff and keep trying to improve myself. (:

But for now.
I take pride in my Alicia Keys song.
That was one of the best moments in my life.
And that song, is and will always be my signature song. (:

If i aint got you.

Heartbroken

I feel like i just pulled my heart out of my body.
I feel so heartbroken.
Like the inside of me is just really down and out and my heart hurts so badly. So badly.

Today, i went to school to do PW. The last of it.
We had to pack the PW file, and hand up I&R.
Then that was that, and PW ended for good.

Im happy for that.
I really am.
But i cant express it cos of the great hurt im experiencing right now.

So after PW, i went out with nicole, yijie, hwee yin, sien, hafeeza and tracy.
We went to subway, then spent alot of time trying to find somehwere to go. Haha. I did enjoy the company, and im really glad im getting closer to my class girls. (: They are an interesting bunch.

So they decided to go nicole's house. though we wanted to randomly crash Hung at Victoria Hall, but we decided not to. Haha. So they went to nicole's place and since i was supposed to meet P.Andy, i went to church, rather early, actually. Haha.

So i sat at Hans for about an hour, reading my Complete Book for Throwers, which was rather insightful cos i really understood alot more about throwing from it. So that was awesome and fruitful.

Then i met P.Andy.

Apparantly, the rehearsal for the contestants was cancelled cos he wanted to concentrate on the drama performance, and he forgot to tell me. So i stayed there to help them with some stuff like the planning of the programme and all.

And thats when the bombshell was dropped.

Okay, so the sob story actually began last thursday, when p.andy asked me to meet him for an 'audition' since there wasnt enough people that signed up. So i went, and his intention was more of me to sing and serve with my singing than to try and get into the contest. So okay. I went, and i sang If I aint got you, and I could only imagine. Unfortunately, the minus one i played was the one that was too high. So it didnt sound as good. :/

Okay. So taht was last week.

Over the weekend, P Andy told me to do I Could Onlyy Imagine.

And today, he dropped a bombshell on me.

Krystle had signed up for Ignyte's Got Talent.
But P.Andy couldnt find a good song that suited her voice.

And as he looked at me while saying that, it hit him. He wanted to use If I aint got you for her. He wanted to use My Song for her.

I was in shock.
My heart just broke.

It was my song.
The song that debuted my singing career in VJ.
The song that everyone remembered me for.
The song that when i sang it, ppl thoght it was the actual track.
My signature song.

And because of my demonstration last week, he now wanted to use it for someone else.

Can you even imagine me hurt?
My pain?
Its like someone just stole what you held so dear and so precious to your heart.
To have it taken away from you when you took it out for display.
It just sucks.
It really really really sucks.

I feel like my heart was ripped out of my body and placed on a hot grill under the beautiful night sky.

I was just so hurt.

So P.Andy called her and put her on loudspeaker and told her to try the song.
I couldnt take it.
I refused to talk to her or even look at P.Andy as he talked to her.
My heart just broke.
It shattered into a million pieces.
I tried so hard not to cry.

P.Andy told me that if i cant handle it, i should tell him, and he wouuld not let her use it. But as the meeting went on, i just felt a conviction in my heart. A reminder from God that i joined this 'contest' to serve him. Not to compete. Not to show off my talent. But to truely stand on stage, and minister to the people with my voice, and the song that God has used to touch the many hearts and lives of people in my school.

So i decided to allow Krystle to use the song, and to settle for I could Only imagine.

So after the meeting ended, i asked P.Andy to stay back cos i wanted to talk to him.

I told him my decision, and the rationale behind it. and he shared some stuff with me.
As he went on in his sharing, my heart just broke. And it wouldnt heal.
I just couldnt take the fact that someone else could take my song, and do it better.
The reason i keep saying it like its being stolen is because i showed him the song. I pulled the song out, and presented it as my own. And then it was taken, and given to someone else. It hurts. It hurts so bad. So bad.

And i cant do anything about it.

Its all in the glory of God.
The sacrifice of something precious so that the glory of God may be shown.
So that a great Ignyte event is possible.
So that she looks good.

Haha. I could totally write an article in F my Life.
but i wont.
And i refuse to think of it that way.
I cannot be selfish.

As a potential future artist, it is a fact that people can take and adapt your songs. And i must deal with it.

Aye. I feel really sore.
Its not a good feeling.

But truely, this is true, my intentions in joining this event was to serve God.
And since he has chosen for things to turn out this way, i must accept it with a cheerful heart. Because i choose to serve God. And be joyful and trust that he will do things that are meant to take me to greater hieghts. Besides, he has never failed me in my life. In the time that the role of sophia balckmore was taken away for me, and i was given the role of nonya boon instead, God meant to prosper me as i did that role splendidly, and even got a song writen just for me for that role.

So in the same way, i must trust in God.
Although my heart hurts from the sacrifice, i must trust in God.
That he will use me and use that song for greater purposes.

Now i understand what it means to fully serve God.
You know, the apostles in the Bible all had to sacrifice one thing or another in their service to God. Most sacrificed their lives and all. And all of them sacrificed something that was precious to them. Just like the boy who gave his 2 loaves and 5 fishes. He gave all that he had- His precious lunch, in return for a greater good. He gave it to Jesus who then broke the bread and fed the thousands. He gave what was precious to him to serve the purpose of God. In return for better.

Just like the woman who gave the last two copper coins she had to the temple of God. Of the little she had, she gave willingly, and Jesus saw it, and she was honoured before all mankind of many generations.

I always tell God, i dont have much to give, just take all of me.
And this time, he really did.
He took whats precious to me, to use it for his glory.
And what returns do i get?
I dont know yet. But im not hoping for much.

Although the small evil side of me secretly hopes that girl cant do the song, but MOST of me genuinely hopes she succeeds. Because i know my intentions of serving God are true. So no matter what the outcome, as long as i serve God, i will be content.

In my trials, i will praise him.

God i praise you.
For i know that in the midst of my pain, you are there.
And you know whats best for me.
So i place my trust in you.
I place my trust in you.
I believe in Jesus.

This i will not waver.



I doubt i can face P.Andy in a while. Haha.
Ah well.

Goodbye PW!!!

Today was my Oral Presentation!

And thankfully, it went pretty well.
I think i might have screwed up a little bit...
But my friends said it was okay..
So i just gotta pray and believe in God for good results. Haha.

Aye.

Im so glad PW's over.
Although it'll only be officially over tmr, cos thats when we will hand up our I&R and compile all our work togeher, i feel like its already over cos there's nothing left to panic about, there's nothing left to do cos all that needs to be done has been done. (:

Although i hated PW for many reasons, on hindsight, i feel that i have gained much from this experience. I've learned to be more critical, to be more compromising, to be more arranged, to see things from certain views to increase effeciency, presentation skills and lots and lots of teamwork. Truely, PW has achieved its aim of both sucking the life out of people., as well as developing life skills it was made to develop.

The process was tedious, but as much as i hate to admit it, i enjoyed myself while doing PW. (: It was an interesting experience, and honestly, im kinda glad we have to do it. If not i doubt i'll ever get to experience such good real life examples and experiences on working skills, and people skills. Oh yes. People skills. You have no idea. HAhahahaha. ;)

Ah well.
Its time to say goodbye to PW.
really glad its over. (:

thoughts.

Hello!

I bet many people have given up reading my blog.
In fact, i kinda give up writing also. Hahaha.
To thinkabout it, i have been writing blogs for like... 5 years now? Wow. that suddenly seems like a long time. haha.

Well, ive been really busy. And really lazy to blog.
Though i have so many random thoughts of the day i'd love to have penned down, somehow, im just too lazy to. Haha.

PW has been pretty much madness over the entire OP scramble. and i kinda just realised i havent even started on my I&R. Im so dead. Cant wait for the section outing and chinese to be over. That would put about half my mind to ease. I needa start studying for my R papers. Thats horrible. I dont mind th study part though. Im just not too delighted at the thought of not having so much time for myself. Been rather caught up with life lately and i havent been able to reflect about life and have some nice thinking time. I do enjoy that once in awhile. (:

Well, today i met Thomas for ice cream after a nice lunch with Danella at Thaipan. (: Met him at Berrylite but only for a short while. It kinda occured to me how different our intellect levels are. I mean, he was like spewing out so much intellectual knowledge, and i was... silent cos i couldnt exacly match the intellect level.

Not saying that we're sooo different cos we have a rather queer sense of humour.

But it just occured to me how interesting and diverse life is. I mean look at him. He's just a fine example of the people at the end of the spectrum of life where intellect is concerned. And in VJ, he's just one of them.

You know, not saying that Fairfield students are dumb, but i used to be one of Fairfield's top students. And even with the uppermost top student like Matthew and Robert, intellectual conversations with them never got me lost or have nothing to reply. It seemed like we were still on thesame level though they were more intellectual than me.

But here in VJ, talking to the top students scare me. Its like they really are from a different world and im just lost when they start with all the intellect stuff. Its hard to compete or have a friendly debate cos their minds are just so channeled the intellect way i'll just be stumped with no answer in the debate.

being in VJ is scary, yet exciting at the same time.
I have never seen such a diverse in the kind of people until i came here.

There are the smart ones.
There are the sporty ones.
And there are those that are both sporty and smart.
And there are those that are both smart and musical.
And there are those that are both musical and sporty.

And the list just goes on and on and on and on.
Hahahah.

Still, do i wish i was in another school?

Not in a million years.

Sometimes i do wonder what my life would have been like if i had chosen AC or RJ over VJ during nats last year when i had a chance to.

Would I have been happier there?

Same answer: Not in a million years.

It is a fact that ACJC was my dream school for 4 years cos i aspired to go there even before i reached sec 1. I was inspired by the fact that my dad was an AC boy, i had followed Andre from Pri to sec and potentially JC and Uni, and that Fmss was right beside AC. I had wanted so much to be an AC girl. Haha. Who would have known i would have become a victorian instead?

Life thrills me, truely.
And i never fail to wonder at how my life has turned out to be like.
I feel blessed despite the different hard times of trouble and trials ive had.
And like every christian,
But with even more meaning and sincerity than i believe i have ever said this,
God has been good.

I am just in so much gratitude for no reason now.
But then again, the things of God are with no reason, right? (:

Heres a super quick update.

Life is sooooo sad and empty w/o Chantal or Botin. :(

HUIJUEN QUALIFIED FOR SEA GAMES! ANd made a nice newspaper article!

My Pw mates nearly drove me out of my sanity over PW.

Thats all for now.

Sad goodbyes.

Now moving on from the previous post.
Its two different subjects altogether.

I hate goodbyes. :(
And recently, i had to say goodbye to 2 of my closest friends in VJ:
Thomas and Chantal.

Last week was Thomas.
Today was Chantal.
Ahhh. Its getting harder to keep my emotions stable. :(
Haha.
See what i mean? T-T
lol

Anyway.

Last week was J2 Farewell assembly. I sang 2 songs for assembly and ya.
But it wasnt till open house later that evening that i said my goodbye to Thomas. :(

Man. I really miss talking to Thomas. He's like real awesome company.
And to say goodbye was really really hard cos we share this really special bond thats hard to find. :/ And sadly since he's J2, he wont be in school next year unless he stays back as a relief teacher. Which im not sure he might since i havent talked to him in like FOREVER. I mean like in sec school, my special friends were my age. :/ And to part it was okay cos we're all going different directions at the same time. But Thomas, i'll be continuing that journey in the place we met-Just that he's no longer there. :( Aye. I'll really miss him but well, we all need to move on with life, right?

And today, Chantal left school.
Chantal left to go poly and honestly, im really happy for her. But I'll raelly really raelly miss her so so so much. :( She was always there for me in my ups and downs in VJ and has made my Vj life sooo much more enjoyable with all the mad stuff we do together to entertain ourselves. She shared my views and thoughts and Ive always enjoyed my conversations with her cos she really understood what i felt. And vice versa. I really thank God that i have met a friend like her who has been really really really special to me. And Im really raelly really sad that she's leaving. Man. If not for Jesselyn, I'll be soooo lonely in class. :( Its the same situation as Thomas. Except that Chantal was a greater part of my everyday school like. She was my pillar of support everyday. And to lose it, well... I'll have to deal with it eyy. :/

And soon, the second of my chantal botin kahkee is leaving for overseas studies too. :(zomg. My entire class clique is leaving. :( Though im not as close to botin as i am to chantal, i really appreciate her cos she brings a crazy different perspective to things and its so fun to just watch her cos of her funny face. haha. I really raelly enjoyed hanging out with her and i appreciate her soooooo much for being there for me at asean. OMG! If she leaves, THAT MEANS I'LL BE ALL BY MYSELF AT ASEAN NEXT YEAR!!! omg.... :( Thomas you'd better be in malaysia while im there. HAHA. :( but yea.

omg i'll raelly miss all of them. Each and everyone of them have played such a big part of my VJ life and have made school so much more special than i ever expected or hoped it to be. And now to know that next year, i'll be left with none of the above, the feeling is terrible. Its horrid. Its eating me on the inside. I just might cry. Again. :( OMG. Im seriously 9lonelygirl2@randomemoemail.com. Hahahahha. Came up by augustin. Stupid boy. lol.

Oh God. :(

But one thing i really thank God for is that he made thigns easier for me.
Like the whole falling apart with chantal and botin made it easier for me to let go of them, though i would have rather been close to them with all my heart. But i guess its alot easier for me to let them go and carry on with life in VJ. But i wish that we had been as close as ever. And i wish i didnt do the things i did. But well, thigns happen for a reason. And i guess we just have to let bygones be bygones and move on with life. At least ive learnt that i shouldnt act in certain ways. And i will correct that in the future. Ahh. me and my complication brain. :/ Haha.

And recently, God has been bringing so many new friends into my life. And i dont mean just hi-bye friends. I mean people that are getting closer to me, deeperin the friendship. And i raelly thank God for them. Perhaps next year will be a year of forging new deeper friendships with them aye. :) God is a good God.

But for now, let me sort out my feelings.
Im still feeling kinda sad. :(
Aye....
9lonelygirl2@randomemoemail.com
Haha.

The promise land.

Hello!
Now its really been a LONG time since i last posted. Hahaha.
I think i kinda regret it cos i might have missed many important events of my life.
But time has been really on the tight end for me. I dont think ive ever been so busy in my life. Hahaha.

Well.

Im in VJC.

Yes i believe we have established that a long time ago. Haha.
But that statement, my friends, is not one to be underestimated.

My promos ended about a week ago, and this week i got all my results back. Ever since ASEAN ended, i havent been training much, if not at all. And all ive been doing is staying at home and mugging my ass off. Its been really tiring, ardous and hard, but i Thank God i made it through. I managed to sit down and actually try to understand my subjects, and i got a few tuition teachers to help me out with my understanding. lol. A levels makes O level look like chicken feet. Seriously. lol.

But when i got my results back, i was terribly dismayed.
Midyears my grades were:
GP-E
Econs-U
Bio-S
Chem-S
Math-S
Chinese- I think we can leave this out. (: I PASSED OKAY. lol.

And it was kinda terrible. :/

but after studying so hard for promos, i got:
GP-D
Econs-S
Bio-S
Chem-S
Math-E

There was an improvement in my math and and econs and GP, but bio and chem remained status quo. And honestly, i was quite put off by my grades. I was expecting much more because of all the effort i had put into my studies. Seriously. After studying my ass off and nearly bursting a few brain cells, all i got for bio and econs and chem was an S?!?! Gosh. You must be kidding me.

I was really quite emo about my results.
I felt like im finally in the real world and im not at the top at all. Im at the bottom. It made me question my intellectual abilities and what i shoul do in life. I felt soooo horrible about myself cos i felt like such a loser. Come on. I go to lectures, i go to tutorials, i listen in class as much as possible, and i still do wayyyyyyyyyyy worse than ppl who dont. In fact, i do wayy worse than ppl who study alot less than me for the exam. Dear God. Whats wrong with me?

So my question for awhile was, what was i studying for? I mean whats the point. I study so hard and i still fail? So study for what? lol . Gee. Its not easy to pass in JC. Its hard to even get an S! :/ Aye...

But even in my self pity and misery, i really thank god for my parents for continuosly encouraging me. As much as i hated to think and talk about my non-existant results, they really talked some sense into me. Esp my dad.

Yest night, my dad shared with me about the promise land. The story of how God brought the Isrealites to the promise land. but yet the isrealites had failed to enter it because of their lack of faith and trust in him.

The story is that after God had led the Isrealites across the red sea, he brought them through the desert to the promise land and ORDERED moses to send out 12 spies to spy on the land. The spies came back with news about the plentifulness of the promise land. But 10 of them were shaken by the giants that they saw. And only 2 of the spies came back with hope and belief that God could overcome the giants for them.

Because the 10 spies had brought back news and beliefs that they could not conquer the Giants of the land, the Isrealites did not enter the promise land. Only the 2 spies, Joshua and Caleb managed to see the promise land. God was angry with the Isrealites for not believing him. And he asked "Would i bring you so far just to see you fail? Would I the God of all creation bring you all the way to the promise land just so you can fail?"

NO! He is not!
And when my dad asked me that question, i was in shock. I knew God was speaking to me about my situation. Had God brought me all the way to VJ just so i can fail? Did God open and close the doors during nationals last year so i could enter VJ just so i could fail and feel like such a loser?

NO! He did not!

And thats why right now i just need to trust in him. I just need to remember that before the promise land, is the desert. And when i see my giants in the promise land, i need to focus on God, and trust that he will fight my battles and conquer my giants for me. And that i need not be afraid of the obstacles that lay before me.

God is a great God.
This promos is but a small set back in life. And i just need to deal with this failure and move on. Honestly, i think i haave somewhat moved on. Maybe in the comfort of the knowledge that
1. I can promote
2. I might have only 1 or 2 R papers in the end cos the final grade might increase to E! :D
3. I have a good chance of becoming OGL! :D

But other than that, i feel that after what my dad shared with me, the wrong mindset that im a loser has been lifted up by God. Though i may not have been the best student in VJ, and i have decided against becoming a doctor or a bio teacher, well, my options are slightly narrowed. Haha. Im thinking of a non acadamic career after deeming myself to be acadamically illiterate. But what my mum said was right-> Im in the top Jc, im competing with ppl wayyyyyyyy above my standard.

So i really dont quite know what to think right now, but im just gonna work hard in all i do, develope my EQ side and really work hard to do my best. And trust that God will prosper me in the end. As he always does. (:

My Dream.

This is my dream.

Please come back in 2 years time.

HELLO.
HAHA.

Ive been WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to busy and caught up with life to remember to blog. Seriously. I need to take time off to blog. So much hsa been happening i barely have time to breathe! HAHA!

Well.
Just a brief run-through of the past 2 weeks.
Ever since breaking point.

SOE. :P

-Nearly gave up on everything and myself.
-Met P.Andy and he encouraged me greatly.
-He asked me to me to move to Sunday.
-Next day i told the LCell of my move
-The Day After P.Andy told my cell.
-The next week, Hello Sunday cell.
-Felt and thought many things.
-Walked on the path that led me closer to God.
-Cut my Hair SHORT
-Got my Iphone
-Seriously considering joining Tchouk Ball
-Best Friend seriously considering leaving VJ
-Hanging out with Awesome people.
-Feeling the tug in my spirit for Ignyte

Thats it basically in a nutshel. (:
Will update more.
Helps me clear my thoughts too. haha. (:

Breaking Point

My whole world is falling apart.

I dont know how i can last much longer.

Yesterday.

Yesterday.

Yesterday was what i wuld consider one of the best competitions in my life.
It was awesome.

Firstly,
I got 2nd position in the 1st Asean School Games. (:
The dsitanc was 11.17m T_T Not the best, but im not complaining cos im really really glad i got 2nd, esp after all the obstavcles i've faced before this. Haha. Getting 4th last year wasnt a good feeling, and losing the silver medal was just dumb. So im jut really realluy glad i got a medal, and the horsey that came with it. ;) Thank the Lord. Haha.

I'll fill you in another day.

BUt for now,
The competition was awesome.
And i finally received my well deserved silver medal. ;)
THANK GOD. :D

Tomorrow

pffft.
I wrote a long one on this but it got deleted. T_T
Darn the computers here in Thailand. AHHHHH.

Anyway. Just saying that im really anticipating tmr's competition to be one of the best since everyone there's around my standard. AM hoping for a medal. Am hoping for 12m. Am hoping to feel good.

And no matter what happens, all Glory goes to God cos truely, it will be he that makes things happen.

Like the word of God says.
Many are the plans ina man's heart.
BUt its the Lord's plans taht surpass all...
AHHH.
Cant wait. (:

(Rolf)You wait little girl
On an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on

Your life little girlis an empty page
that men will want to write on

(Leisl)To write on

(Rolf)You are 16 going on 17
Baby its time to think
Better beware
Be canny and careful
Baby you're on the brink

You are 16 going on 17
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads
And grueways and cads
Will offer you fruit and wine

Totally unprepared are you
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken

You need someoneOlder and wiser
Telling you what to do
I am 17 going on 18
I'll take care of you

(Leisl)I am 16 going on 17
I know that i'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe

I am 16 going on 17
innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies
Drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken
I need someoneOlder and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are 17 going on 18
I'll depend on you

Today is the last day i can ever sing this song with the true meaning.
Its my last 16. My sweet 16.
My awesome sweet 16.

I am 16 going on 17.
(:

I saw someone on facebook do this thing. So i thought it'de be cool if i did it as well. So i clicked on it and silently said to God "God, i want a word from it. and i believe the word is not going to be by coincidence or luck but by purpose." And here's what i got.

On this day of your life, Hannah, we believe God wants you to know... ...
that God has an important purpose for you, and made everything possible for you to succeed.
That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one. It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. And how your life has been a complete and utter success.

And you know what? I believe it too. It really is the word that God wants to speak into my life. I have been struggling with my purpose in life, my purpose in God, and in who i am in God as well. Never in my christian walk have i been set back so much before, and never have i been so challanged in my faith.

In the not too long ago past, if there was a gun pointed in my face to disown jesus, i wouldnt have run away. But honestly, right now, im not too sure.

I still love Jesus but im just a little unsure of where my life is turning to. What im doing, what i shouldbe doing. Its all a blur and im still trying to decipher.

Should i continue track?
Should i remain in worship min?
Is it and was it ever destined for me to be a worship leader?
Was i ever made to be a somebody?

Recently, ive been feeling rather small in many ways.
In fact, i feel forgotten.
I dont know. Many things have happened and i guess many people have walked out of my life together with the changes that came. And im not emoing, but just sharing what i feel.

I feel fine with it actually.
Almost numb.
I thank God that at least i have found my place somewhere in Vj, the school he has intended for me Despite the many unfortunate events of the late, i sstill feel somehow that VJ was still the school intended for me. Like i said to myself in the beginning of the year, i smell destiny when i stepped into VJ.

But i still feel lonely in the places i shouldnt be.
Sometimes when you place expectations on people, they fail.
I've placed several expectations on people that i believed who would have cared but they ended up forgetting and placing me at a raher unimportant position of their lives.

But you know what?
I dont wish to be affected by this anylonger.
People fail.
People will always fal because they are people.
I fail too.

And i just have to accept that.

But God.
God never fails.
God will never fail and i just have to keep believing.
Its hard to believe in the things you cannot see.
But then again, thats what faith is about right?
Faith is believeing in what you cannot see.

I cant see the future, but i am believing for great things to come.
My purpose in God.
My future.
I ahve to leave it in his hands because if i leave it in my own or the world's hands, it will only come to ruin.

Faith.
Is believing in the things you cannot see.
And by beliving in what you cant see, the reward will be even greater.

I still dont know what my future holds.
Im still confuesd.
But i choose to trust in the one who holds my world in his hands.
My maker.
My friend.
My Jesus. (:

Term 3 Day 1

CAN YOU BELIVE IT??!
Its TERM 3 ALREADY!
I feel as if school just started.
Okay it did just start, but i mean just started as in, i just came into VJ. :(
TIme flies!

Well, i'll update another day bout the rest of my hols.
But for now, H1N1 didnt affect school days, but it affected CCA.
Infact we're not supposed to train for the next one week.
Die man.
I need to train if not,. i can say bye bye to asean medal.
Bah....

Ah well.
Today was quite a fun day i belive. (:
Seeing all my friends and making new ones. Haha. Catching up a little with different ones.. (: It was a relatively ejoyable day.

Aye. LAzy to blog anymore.
OH exams was postponed by one week.
THANK GOD.
I have more time to study.

Aye.
Madness.

Gaga, truely

This is Lady Gaga live acoustic version of pokerface.

Truely Gaga.

I like. ;) Hahahaha.

Its quite interesting. :P

Her name suits her.:P

Thirsty for life
broken and Dry
I know your love is an endless suply

Hungry for change
Yearning for your grace
I know your love restores me again

So Jesus
Transform me from the inside out
Consume me
With a vision for new things to come
Lord use me
Through your holy spirit in my life
Lord hear my cry
This is my cry to live for you

I give my past
to your soverign hands
Knowing all works in line to your plan
So give me strength
For days ahead
To face my mountains and trails in faith

Goodbye World Youth

I really really really held my hopes up for getting into worl youth.
but i think right now, i can kiss my world youth goodbye.

12.5m
Its totally within my reach.
Its just my technique that stands in my way.
*sigh...*
When will i ever be great?
When will i ever be the best i can be?

i missed my chance to try and qualify by missing my Sea games event.
To make things worse, 5th all comers doesnt have shotputt to give me a chance to qualify.
Coach wants me to go for malacca open for exposure etc.
But im signing up through some johor club.
And i suspect, its not gonna be official.

Oh God.
When will i ever get to represent singapore at a greater scale?
I really really really wanted to go Italy. :(

Its gonna take a miracle to get me to World Youth this year.
a BIG one.

Sea Juniors over. :(

Ah well.

I didnt get to blog yesterday so im doing it today.

Sea Games Junior is over. :(
It was the worst competition but it had the best bunch of athletes yet! :D
I really really enjoyed spending time with every single one of the athletes there and seriously, i have something awesome to say about each and everyone of them cos they were all really awesome! :D

Well. The 2nd last day, 7th june was a second day of competitions. Thankfully, i wasnt affected much by the stadium nor by the shot putt prize presentation though i did try to voice over the announcer whenever she said announced the 2nd shot putter. I went "SHOULD BE hannah lee from Singapore" T-T Lame much, but it was true. Sigh.

In the morn, i went out to Parksons with mariam and aunty margaret to go shopping. the 4x100 guys and jannah didnt go with us this time as they had events in the afternoon. we walked to parksons and lo and beho, met a bunch of the guys from the other hotel on the way! they went to buy cake for dipna as it was her birthday. (: The whole bunch of them- Tim, Guo Pei, Dickson, Zaki and wayne. Then out of the blue, Guo pei passed me a small cake. I was really surprised when they said it was for me! My heart melted. :) They were so sweet! They bought me that small cake to cheer me up and told me not to be so sad about missing my event. really sweet and thoughtful of them. ^-^ Coming from guys, helloooo. So nice right! so unexpected. But im really touched. (:

So we went to parksons.
Aunty Margaret bought some adidas shorts that she says cant be found in s'pore, and mariam went to try some clothes. and guess what. I CHOSE THEM FOR HER! :D hehehehhe. The clothes there were reall really nice, for her. (: She totally should have bought this white dress i chose for her. It looked so awesome on her! except that it was 1million dong. Which is over a hundred sing. She didnt want to pay that much. haha. What a waste.

After shopping, we went to the top level of parksons to eat KFC. (: Aunty margaret treated us to KFC. Hee. It was nice having some fried fastfood for a change. (: Over there, some vietnamese waiter came to talk to me. :S lol. He asked for my name and i was kinda stunned. Lol. Then he asked where i came from and said that singapore is a very beautiful country. lol. Well, after that we had to leave. So... Lol. Wierd, much?

After that, it was about 11, 12. so we went back to our hotel.
Ate some fruits and waited for the guys so we could leave for the bus together.

Reyor was not feeling well and it didnt look good. He had a sore throat and a was running a fever. so autny margaret went to take some medication for him to take. And he wore a mask. Haha. I guess it was nessecary but it was hilaroous, definately. hahaha.

All of us hung out at the lobby of bat dat while waiting for the bus. Took pictures and chit chatted and all.

Soon, we went to the stadium. Well, im glad i was over the whole thing because the sight of the stadium, the podium and the pit didnt affect me anymore. (: I decided to dedicate myself to becoming the errand and camara and cheer girl. Too bad my cam ran out of batt if not i would have taken alot more pictures. But ah well. I went to get water, ran to get tags for ppl, take videos, cheer.. Aye nothing much la. haha.

The races were okay. watching jumps was interesting cos ive never really wathced them before. haha. (: I cheered the loudest man. Wayne's jump was wasted cos i think he could have cleared 2.08m. Sighhh... And the 4x100m men, that race was so wasted. We were like 2nd, then.... Ah well. It wasnt anyone's fault la. no one wanted yihao's injury to act up again. It wasnt his fault nor was it jason's fault for not catching the baton properly. It was a pity, but it wasnt anyone's fault. Just like my event. (: Its not anyone's entire fault. haha. but it was a pity.

The 4x400m men race, WOAH that was AWESOME! Freaking awesome! Omg. Im so proud of them! Well, we did win because the vietnam teams dropped their batons, but well, this is a competition, anything can happen. (: Haha. We were close to losing man. But we still won 2nd. (: how awesome is that! you should watch the video if you can. (: Haha. Awesome possum.

I really felt for the 4x1 guys. They were so sad. and i shared their pain. I understood how they felt cos i felt somewhat the same way the day before. But i told them it wasnt their fault la. haha. Ah well. Thankfully, they got over it soon enough. (: Chheppp!

So we went back to the hotel.

I took a bath and took a nap while waiting for aunty magaret. Heh. Infact, i took a nap too long. :P Woke up at 7.30 and rushed to the dinner. Haha. Thankfully it was at my hotel and the party hadnt started. Hehe. everyone else was there when i arrived. Ah well. (:

So i went to the table, sat down and all.
Soon the party started. Speeches, food and performances by little kids. (:
The place started getting wild as the vietnamese, indonesians and thais started making noise and dancing around the function room. I felt a little wierd, as did all the other singaporeans. Like we wanted to join the party, but we didnt dare to. Well. Its just the singapiorean culture la. Hello. We dont dance out of nowhere. But these ppl do. Like they have festives and they dances loads during those festives. But in singapore, we dont have festives like theirs. So we're not used to it la. haha.

So i ate rather happily and peacefully and the food was really good!
The president of some organisationg of vietnam was making a speech. and no one was listening. Suddenly, we heard a loud "Happy birthday to you". the indonesians and malaysians were singing loudly as guopei and timothy walked in towards my table with dipna's cake- all while the speech was going on. Obviously, we received rude stares and fingers pointing at the singapore team. It wasnt a very nice feeling. But it wasnt their fault.

Apparantly, they were waiting at the back for the speech to end. Then the manager stupidly asked them to go forward, and as they moved towards our table, the other peeps started singing. But it was really rude la. Sigh.. Ah well. Dipna felt so bad about it that she cried. haha. How cute. :P

So after that, countries went onto the stage to make impromtu performances. And as the countries went up one by one, as the performances continued, more ppl crashed the stage to dance, and suddenly, spontaneously, the stage was turned into a dancefloor. Im ntot kidding! liek a disco/club kinda thing. haha!

The music kept going and ppl kept going up to dance and all. It was interesting to watch.

The singapore team felt kinda wierd not doing anything, so we tried coming up with something. Well, actually, they tried to get me to do something. T-T But at that moment i was nowhere near my artistic side. So i couldnt come up with anything. ah well.
We all came to a silent mutual agreement that we should just forget about it cos the discussion died down. haha.

So as the dancing continued, i looked at my thai competitor who was sitting at the table across and pointed to the stage, asking her to go up. Then she replied by pointing to the stage asking me to go up. After a few rounds, she walked right up to me, took my hand and brought me onstage. HAHA!

MAN! I was soooooooooo embarrased! The whole singapore team cheered as i walked onto stage. But guess what. The moment i stepped onto the stage, my feet and body took over. Man! It was exciting! The music blasting in your eyes, the groove in the music taking over, woah. The feeling was amazing. I started jumping with the crowd, dancing with whateever i could, i didnt care. My hair was let down, my spirit was free.

I danced, i jumped, i screamed. It was ecstacy! It was crazy! I danced with ppl id idnt know, i made friends from other countries on stage. It was SO FUN! My goodness! What have i been missing out on? lol!

Soon, more singpapore peeps joined the stage and danced. haha. I just forgot about my yet-to-finish dinner and just danced my heart out on the stage. It was soooooooooo fun! :D Really enjoyed myself.

Well unfortunately, we were stopped rudely as it was late and we all needed to go back. After that it was a looooong session of phototaking and all. HAha. super funn. (:

So we went back to our rooms. Then my hotel peeps went to bat dat to tim, guopei chinhwee and zaki's room to hang out. We played some cards (murderer and indian polker), followed by a sharing session. That was interesting. (:

There were so many fun and interesting moments that happened in that room that night. Aye. I wish it could have gone on forever. :( But by 1am. we had to leave for our hotel cos we lived in a different hotel. :( Too bad. I loved the flower and door moment. Haha.

Ok i need to remmeber this one. :P

Well, the door of the room had some problem.
Suddenly at one moment, the door was kicked open. Being rather close to the door, i saw that the opposite door suddenly closed as our door swung open. So obviously, it was the guys living opposite us that kicked our door. the s'pore guys were quite pissed off and they went out the door looking for the guys who kicked our door. Rather galant, i must say.

I told them it was the guys opposite cos i saw their door closing suddenly as ours swung open. Then dickson and guopei went to knock on their door to look for them. Chin hwee was standing right behind them with a bunch of flowers he wanted to use as a weapon. Rather comicly. if i may add. HAha. Then dickson had this crazy idea.

So Dickson, guopei and chin hwee went on their knees infront of the door, holding up a bunch of flowers. HAHA. Then they knocked on the door and rang the bell. The guys inside were afraid of a confrontation from us. So the guy opened the door slowwwwly, only to see 3 guys kneeling with a bunch of flowers in their hand. Omg. The expression on all their faces, IT WAS HILARIOUS!!! HAHAHAHAAH! Oh God it was SO FUNNY! i hink and hope someone caught a video of it. haha.

Then the guys apologised to them and made peace with us.
I guess it worked out well cos it could have turned ugly, but because we turned it into a joke, all was well. (:

Hosni came to our room and asked "Where's the beer?" jokingly. haha. And our batch, being the good batch, had no beer at all. ;) Awesome yea. HAHA. :D Well, he came to tell us to not stay so late. Haha. (:

So anyway. Back to 1am. The whole group of athletes walked the arc-en-ceil ppl back to our hotel. (: And they were soooo amused by an empty road/street in vietnam that they stood in the middle of the road and took a picture. ahha! Damn funny.

So they walked us back to our hotel and we went back. (:

I slept at about 2+ and woke up at 4+ cos aunty margaret woke up, worrying about reyor, who at that point of time was in hospital. Quarantined by the vietnamese, suspected of H1N1. He was to be kept there for one night and go for a blood test the next day. If he were to be found positive, we would all have to stay back for 7 days to be quarantined.

Well, i couldnt go back to sleep and neither could aunty margaret. So we chatted for like 3 hours. And then i took another short nap, and went for breakfast.

After breakfast, we went to parksons again. Not for long cos it only opened at 9.30 and we needed to be back at the hotel to check out by 10.15am. lol. So we looked around a little. The guys bought some stuff. Then we went back to the hotel.

Checked out.
Went to the airport.
Me and Khairyll got rejected by the van, and we had to take a seperate one. Sad. But it was a fun ride with him. Wetalked, played hand games on the van and listened to music. HAHA. Damn fun. (:

Then we reached the airport.
Checked in and went for lunch. We saw the singapore taekwando team tehre too. And they look soooooooooooo vietnamese! goodness! I dont know and dont really wanna know their background. It looks ambiguous.

Well, lunch at a singaporean restaurant at the vietnam airport was good. We didnt need to pay cos aunty margaret paid first and would claim from saaa. (: Had chicken rice, which cost 8USD. For a plate of singapore chicken rice. LOL. what a joke. It was nice, but it tasted vietnamses. Haha.

Then we boarded the plane soon.
I sat beside Jason. (: We had alot of fun on the plane, talking teasing whacking each other. Hahaha. (: Its just that feeling that you know you were made to be friends kinda thing. Quite cool, but too bad we opened up to each other only on the last day. :(

The plane got delayed cos of some technical difficulty. The plane ride was short. :( The food was good. (: I only wished the plane ride was longer so i could watch my movie. Haha. Ah well..

So we got off the plane in singapore. :( And our trip was over.

Im really sad cos i didnt really get to say a proper goodbye to all of them. and all of them were really awesome. :( It owuld be a long time before we see each other again, and ive really had so so so much fun with every single one of them. :( I only wish we could spend more time togehtet.

I really wish this was asean cos asean's 10days. Imagine 10 days. in 5 days we were already so close. Imagine 10 days. we would be inseperable. haha Ah well. Goodbyes are hard, but life has t go on. :( i think i'll really miss every single one of them. Esp my hotel mates. All the great times spent, all our made laughter at teasing one another, all the card games and forfiets we played.. Sigh.. They will not be forgotten. (:

Ive had the time of my life.

Sea Games Juniors.
The worst competition experience,
yet,
The best company i could ever ask for.

Go team singapore!
I love you guys. (:

Stupidest thing ive ever done.

WEll.

Today was my Sea Junior's event.
AND.
I missed it. T_T

No kidding. I missed my sea games junior sot putt event, which was the stupidest thing i could have ever done because i could have gotten 2nd position, and i lost it to some girl i totally could have won.

Total Bummer.

WEll.
The coaches told me that my event was at 7pm today and i totally took their word for it.
It was a real overlooking on my part because i didnt check the timing and assumed the coaches were right.

So at 3.30, i left with the bus to the stadium, only to find that my event ahd already begun.
Naturally, i freaked out.
And ran across the field with one of the vietnamese officials to try to enrol into the already happening competition.

But alas, i was devastated to know that the refrees and officials there wouldnt budge. They wouldnt let me have even one throw.

I was so upset.
I felt like my dreams were splashed onto the floor.

Everything i ever wanted was stripped away from me. Everything i ever wanted. My dreams, my career in throws. I was heartbroken. I really was.

I had really looked forward to coming to sea juniors. I still remember how ecstatic i was when i was told i was chosen to go for sea juniors. I was so happy. I was so excited. I couldnt wait to compete.

I wanted to get a sea games medal.
I wanted to get my 12m.
I wanted so badly to achieve something.
I wanted to move on from 11m.
I wanted to break the national record.

But alas.
A miscommunication led to my dismay.
My loss, my unability to compete.
I was devastated.

I went back to the stand crying.
What else could i do?
I felt sooooo horrid for that moment, i couldnt live with myself.

I had missed a competition.
I had missed THE competition.
I had screwed up big time.

The track girls came and comforted me but i couldnt be comforted. My heart was just a mess of rumbles and jumbles i cant describe the feeling, but it sucked. I felt like i couldnt live anymore and my entire body was shaking and turning into jelly. i nearly couldnt stand again.

But who else could i blame?
It wasnt anybody's fault.
In fact, it was possibly my fault.

I has missed my own game.

I was really upset.
I had wanted soooo much to get that medal.
And i totally could have gotten silver.

The first was that THai girl Bhuk who won asean last year. She threw 12.82m. And the girl who got 2nd, she threw 10.82m. i can totally beat that. My God. I can freaking get 2nd la!

But i missed it.
I let it slip through my fingers.
I let it walk right out the door.

God i feel stupid.

UGHH.

WEll.
After like maybe half and hour to an hour of crying and calling ppl, Dimna took me out of the stadium for a walk. Ironically, i felt better after breathing in that 'fresh' vietnam air, which in all honestly, is not fresh at all. Haha. Its so ironic that i feel better breathing all that polluted air. (: HAha. BUt it was a good walk. I sorted pout my thoughts and had a nice chat with dimna. She really made me feel better. (: Thanks babe. HAha.

After awhile, we went back to the stadium. The s'pore athletes were erally nice, making sure i was okay and all. HAha. Dickson gave me the s'pore token of appreciation as my medal, guopei gave me a flower from the s'pore bouquet and tim gave me a half hug. Haha. (: ANd almost all the girls gave me a hug. (: really sweet of them. Haha. (:

Ah well.
I pretty much got over it, but every once in awhile, the feeling would come back.
THe feeling of loss and self pity.
It was pathetic.
UGHH.

Well, i really did hope a miracle would happen.
But i guess not.

During the walk i realised that i inda found back my motivation to train. I had lost it for awhile but i found it back from the experience. WEll. I feel motivated to train everyday t be better for asean. Maybe i might even be able to beat the thai girl. I dont know...

BUt OH OH.
That thai girl, SHe's ADORABLE!!!
(:
She's so sweet i cant express how happy i felt when she encouraged me. Haha.

I congratulated her and she kinda pitied me.
Aye. We competed last year mah. And she probably could tell how upset i was that i didnt get to compete.
WEll, we shook hands and all, and i asked her if she was going asean and she said yes.
Then she gave me a hug. AWEEEE. (:
Super nice la! hahaha

THen during dinner, when we were lining up, this was how our interesting conversation turned out:
Bhuk: *Something in thai*
Me: Mai kao chai (Dont understand)
Bhuk: HEY! Mai Pen Rai
Me: HUh? *Think awhile...* OH!!! Khao Chai Khao Chai (Understand)
Bhuk: SUSU! *with hand showing a power sign* Jia you!
Me: HEIK! Not bad not bad!
Bhuk: Dui! Dui! (right)

HAHAHAH!
She's freaking cute la! Hahahaha. :D
I love her.
really wished i had competed with her today.
Sigh...
Ah well..

Well, i came up with a slogan during my walk:

Today was the worst day of my life.
But what doesnt kill you,
Only makes you stronger.

Well.
I feel kinda scared it may leave a black mark on my career. BUt one thing amazing that happened was that, God was there with me during my walk.

God reminded me to trust in him.
Like though things were sowrong, i needed to trust inhim for a miracle beyond my wildest dreams. I serve a great and faithful God, was this beyond him? I dontthink so.

I choose to believe that God has a plan and a purpose for me.
When has he ever failed me?
God has always been faithful through thick and thin and this wasnt gonna be any different.
THough i can feel my faith wearing out, and becoming thin, i just have to keep whatever hope i have to hold on to.

Im a little lost at what to do, but i trust that all things are in God's good hands and i just need to trust in him. Its not easy to ask a 17 year old maturing girl to do that, but it will be a growth in my faith in God and well, i guess it is necessary.

Somehow, i feel like God is putting me though what he put elijah through.
Like my dad was telling me that God had to strip elijah off everything he had before he could do a work in his life. And i feel the exact same way. I feel like my entire world of dreams and ambitions have crumbled. In the same single day, i missed 2 of the most important events that i wanted to be part of.

Singapore idol
Sea games junior.

Gosh.
God, what does this mean?
is there somthing that you want to tell me?
is there something you;re trying to teach me?
Oh God.
I dont know.
BUt i want to trust that you know what you're doing in my life.
If it is some part of your plann to make me prosper even more elsewhere, may it be.
But Lord, help me forgive myself first.
Cos i think the person im most mad with is myself.

I dont know.
But i think it'll take a little time.

I just hope i dont break at the stadium tmr.

I must keep the hope that i have.
The hope that will last.
The hope i have in God.

God, what does this mean?