Heartbroken

I feel like i just pulled my heart out of my body.
I feel so heartbroken.
Like the inside of me is just really down and out and my heart hurts so badly. So badly.

Today, i went to school to do PW. The last of it.
We had to pack the PW file, and hand up I&R.
Then that was that, and PW ended for good.

Im happy for that.
I really am.
But i cant express it cos of the great hurt im experiencing right now.

So after PW, i went out with nicole, yijie, hwee yin, sien, hafeeza and tracy.
We went to subway, then spent alot of time trying to find somehwere to go. Haha. I did enjoy the company, and im really glad im getting closer to my class girls. (: They are an interesting bunch.

So they decided to go nicole's house. though we wanted to randomly crash Hung at Victoria Hall, but we decided not to. Haha. So they went to nicole's place and since i was supposed to meet P.Andy, i went to church, rather early, actually. Haha.

So i sat at Hans for about an hour, reading my Complete Book for Throwers, which was rather insightful cos i really understood alot more about throwing from it. So that was awesome and fruitful.

Then i met P.Andy.

Apparantly, the rehearsal for the contestants was cancelled cos he wanted to concentrate on the drama performance, and he forgot to tell me. So i stayed there to help them with some stuff like the planning of the programme and all.

And thats when the bombshell was dropped.

Okay, so the sob story actually began last thursday, when p.andy asked me to meet him for an 'audition' since there wasnt enough people that signed up. So i went, and his intention was more of me to sing and serve with my singing than to try and get into the contest. So okay. I went, and i sang If I aint got you, and I could only imagine. Unfortunately, the minus one i played was the one that was too high. So it didnt sound as good. :/

Okay. So taht was last week.

Over the weekend, P Andy told me to do I Could Onlyy Imagine.

And today, he dropped a bombshell on me.

Krystle had signed up for Ignyte's Got Talent.
But P.Andy couldnt find a good song that suited her voice.

And as he looked at me while saying that, it hit him. He wanted to use If I aint got you for her. He wanted to use My Song for her.

I was in shock.
My heart just broke.

It was my song.
The song that debuted my singing career in VJ.
The song that everyone remembered me for.
The song that when i sang it, ppl thoght it was the actual track.
My signature song.

And because of my demonstration last week, he now wanted to use it for someone else.

Can you even imagine me hurt?
My pain?
Its like someone just stole what you held so dear and so precious to your heart.
To have it taken away from you when you took it out for display.
It just sucks.
It really really really sucks.

I feel like my heart was ripped out of my body and placed on a hot grill under the beautiful night sky.

I was just so hurt.

So P.Andy called her and put her on loudspeaker and told her to try the song.
I couldnt take it.
I refused to talk to her or even look at P.Andy as he talked to her.
My heart just broke.
It shattered into a million pieces.
I tried so hard not to cry.

P.Andy told me that if i cant handle it, i should tell him, and he wouuld not let her use it. But as the meeting went on, i just felt a conviction in my heart. A reminder from God that i joined this 'contest' to serve him. Not to compete. Not to show off my talent. But to truely stand on stage, and minister to the people with my voice, and the song that God has used to touch the many hearts and lives of people in my school.

So i decided to allow Krystle to use the song, and to settle for I could Only imagine.

So after the meeting ended, i asked P.Andy to stay back cos i wanted to talk to him.

I told him my decision, and the rationale behind it. and he shared some stuff with me.
As he went on in his sharing, my heart just broke. And it wouldnt heal.
I just couldnt take the fact that someone else could take my song, and do it better.
The reason i keep saying it like its being stolen is because i showed him the song. I pulled the song out, and presented it as my own. And then it was taken, and given to someone else. It hurts. It hurts so bad. So bad.

And i cant do anything about it.

Its all in the glory of God.
The sacrifice of something precious so that the glory of God may be shown.
So that a great Ignyte event is possible.
So that she looks good.

Haha. I could totally write an article in F my Life.
but i wont.
And i refuse to think of it that way.
I cannot be selfish.

As a potential future artist, it is a fact that people can take and adapt your songs. And i must deal with it.

Aye. I feel really sore.
Its not a good feeling.

But truely, this is true, my intentions in joining this event was to serve God.
And since he has chosen for things to turn out this way, i must accept it with a cheerful heart. Because i choose to serve God. And be joyful and trust that he will do things that are meant to take me to greater hieghts. Besides, he has never failed me in my life. In the time that the role of sophia balckmore was taken away for me, and i was given the role of nonya boon instead, God meant to prosper me as i did that role splendidly, and even got a song writen just for me for that role.

So in the same way, i must trust in God.
Although my heart hurts from the sacrifice, i must trust in God.
That he will use me and use that song for greater purposes.

Now i understand what it means to fully serve God.
You know, the apostles in the Bible all had to sacrifice one thing or another in their service to God. Most sacrificed their lives and all. And all of them sacrificed something that was precious to them. Just like the boy who gave his 2 loaves and 5 fishes. He gave all that he had- His precious lunch, in return for a greater good. He gave it to Jesus who then broke the bread and fed the thousands. He gave what was precious to him to serve the purpose of God. In return for better.

Just like the woman who gave the last two copper coins she had to the temple of God. Of the little she had, she gave willingly, and Jesus saw it, and she was honoured before all mankind of many generations.

I always tell God, i dont have much to give, just take all of me.
And this time, he really did.
He took whats precious to me, to use it for his glory.
And what returns do i get?
I dont know yet. But im not hoping for much.

Although the small evil side of me secretly hopes that girl cant do the song, but MOST of me genuinely hopes she succeeds. Because i know my intentions of serving God are true. So no matter what the outcome, as long as i serve God, i will be content.

In my trials, i will praise him.

God i praise you.
For i know that in the midst of my pain, you are there.
And you know whats best for me.
So i place my trust in you.
I place my trust in you.
I believe in Jesus.

This i will not waver.



I doubt i can face P.Andy in a while. Haha.
Ah well.