Stupidest thing ive ever done.

WEll.

Today was my Sea Junior's event.
AND.
I missed it. T_T

No kidding. I missed my sea games junior sot putt event, which was the stupidest thing i could have ever done because i could have gotten 2nd position, and i lost it to some girl i totally could have won.

Total Bummer.

WEll.
The coaches told me that my event was at 7pm today and i totally took their word for it.
It was a real overlooking on my part because i didnt check the timing and assumed the coaches were right.

So at 3.30, i left with the bus to the stadium, only to find that my event ahd already begun.
Naturally, i freaked out.
And ran across the field with one of the vietnamese officials to try to enrol into the already happening competition.

But alas, i was devastated to know that the refrees and officials there wouldnt budge. They wouldnt let me have even one throw.

I was so upset.
I felt like my dreams were splashed onto the floor.

Everything i ever wanted was stripped away from me. Everything i ever wanted. My dreams, my career in throws. I was heartbroken. I really was.

I had really looked forward to coming to sea juniors. I still remember how ecstatic i was when i was told i was chosen to go for sea juniors. I was so happy. I was so excited. I couldnt wait to compete.

I wanted to get a sea games medal.
I wanted to get my 12m.
I wanted so badly to achieve something.
I wanted to move on from 11m.
I wanted to break the national record.

But alas.
A miscommunication led to my dismay.
My loss, my unability to compete.
I was devastated.

I went back to the stand crying.
What else could i do?
I felt sooooo horrid for that moment, i couldnt live with myself.

I had missed a competition.
I had missed THE competition.
I had screwed up big time.

The track girls came and comforted me but i couldnt be comforted. My heart was just a mess of rumbles and jumbles i cant describe the feeling, but it sucked. I felt like i couldnt live anymore and my entire body was shaking and turning into jelly. i nearly couldnt stand again.

But who else could i blame?
It wasnt anybody's fault.
In fact, it was possibly my fault.

I has missed my own game.

I was really upset.
I had wanted soooo much to get that medal.
And i totally could have gotten silver.

The first was that THai girl Bhuk who won asean last year. She threw 12.82m. And the girl who got 2nd, she threw 10.82m. i can totally beat that. My God. I can freaking get 2nd la!

But i missed it.
I let it slip through my fingers.
I let it walk right out the door.

God i feel stupid.

UGHH.

WEll.
After like maybe half and hour to an hour of crying and calling ppl, Dimna took me out of the stadium for a walk. Ironically, i felt better after breathing in that 'fresh' vietnam air, which in all honestly, is not fresh at all. Haha. Its so ironic that i feel better breathing all that polluted air. (: HAha. BUt it was a good walk. I sorted pout my thoughts and had a nice chat with dimna. She really made me feel better. (: Thanks babe. HAha.

After awhile, we went back to the stadium. The s'pore athletes were erally nice, making sure i was okay and all. HAha. Dickson gave me the s'pore token of appreciation as my medal, guopei gave me a flower from the s'pore bouquet and tim gave me a half hug. Haha. (: ANd almost all the girls gave me a hug. (: really sweet of them. Haha. (:

Ah well.
I pretty much got over it, but every once in awhile, the feeling would come back.
THe feeling of loss and self pity.
It was pathetic.
UGHH.

Well, i really did hope a miracle would happen.
But i guess not.

During the walk i realised that i inda found back my motivation to train. I had lost it for awhile but i found it back from the experience. WEll. I feel motivated to train everyday t be better for asean. Maybe i might even be able to beat the thai girl. I dont know...

BUt OH OH.
That thai girl, SHe's ADORABLE!!!
(:
She's so sweet i cant express how happy i felt when she encouraged me. Haha.

I congratulated her and she kinda pitied me.
Aye. We competed last year mah. And she probably could tell how upset i was that i didnt get to compete.
WEll, we shook hands and all, and i asked her if she was going asean and she said yes.
Then she gave me a hug. AWEEEE. (:
Super nice la! hahaha

THen during dinner, when we were lining up, this was how our interesting conversation turned out:
Bhuk: *Something in thai*
Me: Mai kao chai (Dont understand)
Bhuk: HEY! Mai Pen Rai
Me: HUh? *Think awhile...* OH!!! Khao Chai Khao Chai (Understand)
Bhuk: SUSU! *with hand showing a power sign* Jia you!
Me: HEIK! Not bad not bad!
Bhuk: Dui! Dui! (right)

HAHAHAH!
She's freaking cute la! Hahahaha. :D
I love her.
really wished i had competed with her today.
Sigh...
Ah well..

Well, i came up with a slogan during my walk:

Today was the worst day of my life.
But what doesnt kill you,
Only makes you stronger.

Well.
I feel kinda scared it may leave a black mark on my career. BUt one thing amazing that happened was that, God was there with me during my walk.

God reminded me to trust in him.
Like though things were sowrong, i needed to trust inhim for a miracle beyond my wildest dreams. I serve a great and faithful God, was this beyond him? I dontthink so.

I choose to believe that God has a plan and a purpose for me.
When has he ever failed me?
God has always been faithful through thick and thin and this wasnt gonna be any different.
THough i can feel my faith wearing out, and becoming thin, i just have to keep whatever hope i have to hold on to.

Im a little lost at what to do, but i trust that all things are in God's good hands and i just need to trust in him. Its not easy to ask a 17 year old maturing girl to do that, but it will be a growth in my faith in God and well, i guess it is necessary.

Somehow, i feel like God is putting me though what he put elijah through.
Like my dad was telling me that God had to strip elijah off everything he had before he could do a work in his life. And i feel the exact same way. I feel like my entire world of dreams and ambitions have crumbled. In the same single day, i missed 2 of the most important events that i wanted to be part of.

Singapore idol
Sea games junior.

Gosh.
God, what does this mean?
is there somthing that you want to tell me?
is there something you;re trying to teach me?
Oh God.
I dont know.
BUt i want to trust that you know what you're doing in my life.
If it is some part of your plann to make me prosper even more elsewhere, may it be.
But Lord, help me forgive myself first.
Cos i think the person im most mad with is myself.

I dont know.
But i think it'll take a little time.

I just hope i dont break at the stadium tmr.

I must keep the hope that i have.
The hope that will last.
The hope i have in God.

God, what does this mean?