Be still.

I think my mind has been a raging storm recently.
Many thoughts shooting around all the time.
When im alone, i think and think and think and come to no conclusion to the things i need to think about. I want to talk it out, but yet i want to find the right person and time to talk about it. I want to solve the problems, but there are no solutions i can find yet.

What do i do?

My flu's a bother, i cant think clearly.
I feel so far from God, my mind was fluttering during service.

But today, it was a very interesting service.

I couldnt worship God properly.
I was distracted by many things like the things i was thinkiing about as well as my flu.
It was like a wall that i couldnt bridge past.

But still, i think Pastor Andy's message was a timely one.
About Suffering and how we can find hope in God because God will provide a way to breakthrough the problem and how we need to persevere through the trials because through perseverance comes growth in many ways.

Well, ive been struggling with many decisions, many thoughts, many things that are bothering me like a splinter in my thumb. Its subtle, but yet it still bothers.

I think the altar call was a great idea. The idea of leaders lining up and then youths going up to their leader and telling them the area they're struggling with. Its amazing how powerful it is.

I went up after awhile of struggling with my pride.
I wanted to go up to sis Grace since she was now my leader, but she had her hands full, so i went to the next free leader- Sister Lorraine. Yupp.

I told her that i think i need to reconsider my priorities and that i felt far from God.

So she prayed.
And she said that she was reminded about the story of Mary and Martha. That Mary had decided to stay by the Lord's feet to listen while Martha was distracted by everything else that needed to be done. And she said to me that what was important for me was to be still and wait on God. That i need not be so caught up doing everything else and striving to complete the things to serve God, but rather be still and wait upon God.

And she said God was never far away. But i was too busy to listen. And i needed to be still and wait for God for a few moments. I had to wait and be still. For a few moments. Like literally.

So after she was done, i stayed at the altar and just stood still. And pressed into the presence of God, wanting to have a more intimate conversation with him.

as i stood there, Sis Vivian came and prayed for me. And her prayer really struck the nails in my head.

She said that she felt that my heart was weary by what, she did not know. She said it could be ministry, it could be meeting ppl's expectation or even expectations of myself. She said that i was holding onto something and that it was holding me back. Im holding on to victories of the past, of the glory of being in the limelight. And she said something about serving God, but i cant quite remember what. And she told me to be still before God. Be still. Be still.

And it really spoke to my heart.

I have been contemplating leaving Worship Ministry.
Yepp. Big bomb to those who know me.
I feel like my heart isnt there any longer and the commitment is getting too time consuming as my JC life piles up. I dont know if there is any other underlining reason behind it, but i am thinking about it. Im going to start praying about it and im going to talk to sis varina about it because i need to be sure before i let the worship leaders know.

My heart was indeed weary of the ministry. I was getting tired and worn out trying to reach the expectations set by the ministry. Not that its bad, but rather it has been set so that we may serve God to the fullest. Perhaps my laziness of sort has caused me to be worn out because i start to find it a chore. Or maybe i just need an attitude re-adjustment. I dont know. thats why i didnt approach the worship leaders yet. And thats why im going to talk to sis varina tmr.

Holding on.
What exacly am i holding on to thats preventing me from moving on?
Ministry?. Perhaps. I dont know.
Previous victories and the glory and limelight...
Doesnt that sound so familier?

I dont know.
But one thing both leaders said was to be still before the presence of the Lord.
Be still, and wait upon God.

Be still.